Rituals of Pain

You know what I realised after publishing the recent letter about ritual containers? Most of you read it, agreed, maybe even felt inspired for a hot minute. Then you went right back to saying yes to stuff you hate. I know this because it's what we all do. We read about change, we nod along, we feel inspired. Then real life hits, and we fold like origami under the first bit of pressure.

There's a whole generation of us walking around exhausted from caring for everyone except ourselves. What we are doing wrong is thinking we can heal without the pain of change. We want to feel better about ourselves without facing the truth about how we've been living.

Let me be clear: There is no gentle path out of people-pleasing prison.

This is the second part of a series. I recommend you read the first one here.

The Agenda

1. Why rituals of pain are non-negotiable

2. The 3 rituals that will gut you (and save you)

3. Accountability

This letter is about the pain you've been running from.

Why rituals of pain are non-negotiable

I've been watching something alarming unfold across social media, and I need to talk about it. The "soft life" movement promises you peace through pilates, healing through bubble baths, and transformation through aesthetic morning routines. Everywhere I look, I see women in linen dresses talking about "choosing ease" and "main character energy." And I want to shake every single one of them.

I am not against rest or ease. I am not against taking care of yourself. The last part of this series-” Rituals of Nurture” is going to be based solely on rest and ease, and self-nurturing.

I am against the lie that transformation can happen without discomfort. I am against the fantasy that you can heal without hurting first. I am against the spiritual materialism that sells you products to numb the necessary processes you need to go through to actually change your life.

Your healing isn't happening on Instagram. It's happening in the moments when you choose courage over comfort and authenticity over approval. The soft life will come after you've done the hard work of excavating who you really are underneath all the conditioning. But first, you have to be willing to get your hands dirty.

Stop looking for the gentle path to transformation. There isn't one. The path out is through. And "through" is never soft.

Real transformation looks like:

• Sitting in the burning discomfort of saying no without apologising

• Feeling the full weight of your rage instead of spiritualising it away

• Admitting that you've been performing your entire life, and you don't even know who you are underneath

• Facing the terrifying possibility that some people might not like the real you

• Grieving the decades you lost to other people's expectations

• Learning to disappoint others on purpose as practice for disappointing them by accident

Do those look “soft” to you? This is the demolition work in the trenches of your subconscious. This is what breaks generational curses. Not your soft life affirmations. It is in your willingness to excavate the basement of your psyche and clean out the rotting foundation.

Rituals of pain exist for one reason: to dismantle the version of you who was shaped by fear.

They are non-negotiable because transformation isn't intellectual. It is embodied excavation. And that process is painful because you are shedding and unhooking the claws of approval addiction from your skin.

The 3 core rituals that will gut you (and save you)

These rituals are not meant to soothe you. They are meant to end you, the false you. If you've read the first letter in this series, you know about creating a ritual container. Your container can be a chair you only sit in when you are processing something hard, or a corner of the room where you pray. Whichever one it is, you must treat it with spiritual significance.

Now we are going to fill the container with the excavation work that you’ve been dodging.

Ritual 1: The Daily Descent

Time required: 5-10 minutes every evening

Pain level: Mild to extreme, depending on your day

Goal: To stop being blindsided by the same triggers, build unshakeable confidence through micro-wins and turn your biggest emotional wounds into your greatest strengths.

(I want to point out that this ritual came to me at a moment when I was incredibly angry at myself for repeating the same pattern when I already knew better)

1. At the end of your day, sit or lie within your ritual container, close your eyes and replay the scenes of the day like a movie, tracing your footsteps from the moment you peeled the covers off.

I am sure you already do this. You do it from a state of powerlessness and shame, blaming yourself for everything that went wrong in your day and adding extra to the chip on your shoulder.

2. Observe everything you did and said. The keyword is observe. Not judge or blame. Witness yourself saying and doing things like you were watching a movie play out. Spot the painful parts of your day, for instance, the moments where you jumped to say yes to what you hate or lied to blend in.

3. Rewrite the script by mentally rehearsing a new response. This is not one of those scenarios where you are in the shower and regretting the clapbacks you did not have during an argument 10 years ago.

   You don’t just “imagine” a better version. You do an emotional rehearsal. You visualise a new response for next time. How would you speak if you weren’t afraid?

   Practice it with your body until it feels real. You let your nervous system practice being safe in new behaviours that you intend to act out next time in a similar situation. This teaches your body to show up differently before it’s tested again.

   DM me “Daily Descent” if you want a more thorough understanding of this process. It is powerful enough to change your life

Shame spiral: "Why did I do that again?"

The Daily Descent: "What is the one thing I give myself permission to do next time this happens?"

Ritual 2: Splitting Open to the Divine

Time required: As often and as long as you need

Pain level: Terrifying (and liberating)

Goal: Permission to be human, build an unshakeable inner worth that does not depend on anyone but the Divine and reconnect with your true power and passion

People-pleasing makes you a chronic liar. You lie to others. You lie to yourself. You lie to God. You show up to prayer, to your spiritual practice, with the same mask you wear everywhere else.

You bring God everything you have been taught to bring, everything that looks good in the eyes of others. But you never bring your rage. Your fury. Your "WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?" desperation. You are people-pleasing the Divine.

1. Set a reminder for this ritual. Find a space where you can't be heard, that is, your ritual container.

2. Split yourself open like a cracked egg. Yell at God about how you feel invisible and used and trapped.

   Whisper to God about your secret dreams and about how you are scared you will never truly actualise your true self because you don't even know who that self is anymore.

   Cry to God about all the years you wasted being who everyone else needed. About the relationships that drain you. About feeling like a shadow in your own life.

   Show God the parts of you that no one else gets to see. The more you bring your full emotional range to the Divine, the good, bad, ugly, and everything in between, the more you will stop hiding those parts from yourself. And when you stop hiding from yourself, you stop hiding from everyone else.

   This isn't about religion. This is about cultivating a raw and authentic relationship with the Divine. Stop bringing God your "Sunday best" emotions. Crack open like an egg and let the Divine heal your self-worth.

Ritual 3: Practice Strategic Selfishness

Time required: One deliberate act daily

Pain level: Excruciating (because of guilt)

Goal: To build immunity to other people’s reactions and to connect with your authentic self

One thing I have learned is that the ones who are terrified of being called selfish are usually the ones who've spent their entire lives being selfless to the point of self-abandonment.

Every single day, you must do one thing that serves only you. Not something that serves you and others. Something that serves only you.

This could be:

• Taking a bath while someone waits for you to text back

• Ordering food you want instead of what everyone else prefers

• Leaving an event early because you're tired

• Saying "I don't want to" instead of creating elaborate excuses

• Spending money on something that brings you joy

The guilt will be overwhelming. You'll feel like a terrible person. Your people-pleasing brain will tell you that you are being selfish, cruel, and uncaring.

Consider this exposure therapy. The world doesn't end when you prioritise yourself.

A note on accountability

If you are a people pleaser, you likely have follow-through issues. I know you would move mountains to avoid disappointing others. You show up like a soldier when they need you, but the second it’s about you and your growth, you ghost and scroll.

The truth is that your old self is counting on your inconsistency. Your old self is banking on you skipping the ritual so that your self-worth can remain congealed in old scripts for life. So if you want to shatter that cycle, you are going to need friction.

Pick one person who knows. Someone you say, “Hey, I’m doing a ritual every night. It’s messy. Don’t ask me about it. Just know I’m in it.”

You are less likely to self-abandon when someone’s watching. Or if you are deeply committed to this work, we could discuss other ways to hold you accountable here.

If you do your rituals, then you have my permission to reward yourself.

Make it delicious.

As I mentioned in the previous letter, this is part of a 4-part series. Next, we will discuss rituals of worth, exploring how to build unshakeable self-respect on the foundation you are currently creating.

Talk soon,

Jumi.

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