Rituals of Worth

This is the third part of a series. I recommend you read the first here.

There is a season between death and life, a space after you’ve shed what no longer served you but before you fully step into who you are meant to become. In this threshold resides the rebirth.

It is here that you reclaim the beliefs that you matter, that you are worthy unconditionally. This is not a cosmetic makeover or a borrowed identity. It is the radical task of you becoming you, without fear or apology.

This is your second chance. This is your re-birth.

The Agenda

1. The rebirthing process: what it is and why it matters

2. Three rituals of self-worth

3. Practices for the unpartnered woman

The Rebirthing Process: What It Is and Why It Matters

There are beliefs that could have been instilled in you since your first birth, beliefs designed to foster self-esteem, self-worth, and self-regard. Beliefs that help you grow with an inherent sense of: "First and foremost, regardless of what my life looks like to me or anyone, I am a worthy being."

If these beliefs were not instilled in you from the beginning, if your caregivers didn't know how, or were too wounded themselves to give what they did not receive, this is your second chance. You can mother yourself now in the ways you needed then.

There are stages to rebirth:

• Decentering: letting the old stories lose their grip (see previous letter)

• Permissioning: authorising new ways of being

• Anchoring: embedding the new through ritual

• Embodiment: integrating your worth into your body, your daily life

This process isn’t linear. Expect to revisit stages, to circle back, to feel disoriented. But every circle is part of your emergence.

Creating these rituals is you creating a second shot. Because I know there is no cookie-cutter way to reach the innermost part of you, no perfectly scented candle to light your troubles away, no subscription box specially tailored to your unique pains, each point here is dense, capable of sparking thoughts that could guide you to what you need.

Always remember: your path is unique, and your rituals do not have to mimic trends.

I trust that you will find your way.

3 Rituals of Self-Worth

1. Give Yourself New Permissions

Did you know that at each developmental stage of childhood, you were supposed to receive new permissions? Permissions like: It's okay to be who you are. It's okay to have needs. It's okay to say no. It's okay to want. It's okay to separate from others and still be loved. 

John Bradshaw writes about this in “Homecoming”, how these permissions, when withheld or twisted, leave us as adults waiting for external approval we should have been given internally long ago.

I encourage you to grab the book for yourself. It will illuminate the permissions you did not receive and reveal why you still look outside yourself for someone to say it's okay, when the truth is, not only is it okay, but your life depends on you claiming these permissions without waiting.

Here are some ideas;

Today, I give myself permission to...

• Eat what I truly desire

• Start a new ritual that nurtures my sense of self

• Say no to that invitation

• Wear the dress

• Take the long bath

• Speak the true thing

• Want what I want without shame

• Be inconsistent and still worthy

• Change my mind

• Rest without earning it

• Take up space

• Be seen

• Be messy

• Be alone and content

• Ask for what I need

• Disappoint someone

• Prioritise myself

• Not have it all figured out

Each small permission builds the muscle. You don't practice permission until you feel worthy. You practice permission, and worthiness follows.

2. Passionately Seek Mirrors:

You cannot become what you cannot see. If your field of vision is small, you will move in smallness. Mirrors are people, art, media, stories, and lives that show you what's possible.

There are so many who have come before you who have lived with more courage than you thought possible, who claimed space you were told wasn't available to someone like you.

This is especially important if you had no role models in your life who modelled boundaries or self-possession, which is true for a lot of people pleasers.

Also, it is important for you to understand that mirrors will contain contradictions. They made mistakes, sometimes caused harm. Study them not to idolise but to recognise that your fullness includes shadow, mess, desire, rage, and joy. They gave themselves permission. So can you. How do you seek mirrors?

• Curate Your Media Diet: Deliberately stop wasting away on TikTok. I am serious. You are training your nervous system to be fragmented. Add a diminished attention span to that. (About the attention span, if you’ve read this far into the letter, congratulations! There may be hope for you yet 😉)

  Seek films, documentaries, books that carry integrity, nuance, and real human edge. Upgrade the quality of what you consume. Train your attention span for the absorption of high-quality media and publications.

  I have a weekly ritual for documentaries and films. For example, I recently watched “Kedi”, a documentary about the street cats of Istanbul. While watching, I meditated on 3 reflection questions, because this isn't passive consumption.

  What do cats teach me about receiving care without losing autonomy? How do they take what they need without shame? What does it look like to enforce boundaries while still allowing intimacy?

When I saw “The Velvet Queen”, a film about the snow leopards of Tibet, it made me reflect on these questions:

What does it mean to be elusive without being afraid? How do I honour my wild nature in domesticated spaces? What is the difference between hiding and having healthy boundaries?

Use open-source software to research what to watch and where to watch it. Create your own list of mirrors, women who lived fully, books that improve your thinking, and films that show you a way of being you did not think possible.

3. Reclaim your body as territory

The ultimate act of self-worth is treating your body not as a project to perfect, but as simply…yours. You've probably inhabited your body as though it were someone else's: others told you how it "should" look, what it should do, when it was too much or not enough. This ritual returns you as a steward, not a renter.

What reclaiming your body as territory means:

• Learning your body’s language - tracking energy, desire, fear, anger, hunger, pain without judgment

• Setting borders - who gets to touch you or have any sort of access to you

• Tending - nourishment, rest, pleasure as non-negotiable

• Defending - rejecting diet culture, hustle worship, performative sexuality

• Honouring its seasons - menstrual cycles, energy fluctuations, ageing

Mini-Ritual: Ask your body questions and actually listen:

What do you need today? What are you trying to tell me? How can I honour you?

Sometimes the answer is profound. Sometimes you just need a snack. Lol.

Practices for the unpartnered woman

Many teachings frame identity and self-worth in relation to a partner. A woman can be healed by the love of a good partner who sees her and loves her beauty in and out, who validates her by helping her see herself through his eyes. You don't need that validation to begin the journey of self-worth.

Truly appreciate what you see in the mirror, see your shape, your lips, your silhouette. Speak to your reflection: “I see you. I love you.”

Ritual adornment, not for others but for you: your body, your glow, your hair, your jewellery. Paint and decorate yourself.

Move your body to feel. Dance, stretch, roll, swim.

Create an “I see me” altar. Include photos of yourself in various phases of life, the child you were, the woman you are becoming. Add nature objects that make you feel alive. Your favourite quotes. A mirror. Fresh flowers you bought yourself.

And when partnership comes, if it comes, you will meet it as a sovereign woman who already knows her worth, not as someone seeking completion.

Under the gaze of God, the unpartnered woman must become her own witness and her own mirror.

You are in the space between who you were told to be and who you actually are. This is the threshold. This is the rebirth.

This is your second chance. This is you deciding that you matter.

Talk soon,

Jumi.

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